No joke. Chris and Daisy Oswalt plan to open a FOB-themed restaurant near
Camp Pendelton, Calif.
The acronym "FOB" stands for "Forward Operating Base."
"We’re about the survivors, the guys who went through hell," Chris Oswalt told the Marine Corps Times. "For this generation of desert warrior, they’re going to see a lot of the things from the FOB to make it like home as much as possible."
Sounds great, except for the fact that you don't want a FOB-themed restaurant to seem like home. If anything, you want it to feel like a FOB! That, and that a FOB isn't so much of a hell, as much as it is a pergatory.
Here are some of our suggestions to help take this casual-dining-under-fire concept to the next level:
- Staff will make announcements of birthdays and incoming mortar rounds over a Big Voice loudspeaker, which long-time patrons will come to ignore.
- Retired sergeants major will serve as maitres d'. No one will spell the plural of either term correctly.
- "No blouse? No boots? No prior service."
- Drive-through lane will randomly close for 1 to 3 hours each day, while customers await arrival of Explosive Ordinance Disposal (E.O.D.) to declare the route safe.
- "Try our Boomin' Onion(tm)!"
- Complimentary service of "disinfected / non-potable" water; ration of 2 lbs. of ice per customer per day.
- Complimentary MRE crackers at table. Under no circumstances should these be taken internally.
- "We proudly serve Green Beans coffee!"
- Take-out containers will be Styrofoam clamshells. Non-uniformed personnel will not be authorized take-out.
- Catering by Mermite available upon request, not less than 72 hours in advance.
- "Do you want live-fires with that?"
- Dining room patrons will be required to open-carry an unloaded and cleared weapon at all times.
- Reflective Safety Belts will also be required. Especially in front of the salad bar.
- Big-screen televisions will display patrons' favorite sports events via Armed Forces Network. All air-times will be offset 13.5 hours.
- Restrooms will consist of portable chemical latrines and hand-washing stations.
- Kitchen personnel will wear hair nets and "beard arresters."
- "Warning: Pork chops contain pork."
- Battle captains and NCOs will be entitled to "buy-one, get-one" special on so-called "TOC-O Tuesdays."
- "Join us for salsa dancing Saturday!"
- "T.G.I. FUBAR's"
- "Kentucky FOB Chicken"
- "Hard TOC Café"
- "Groundhog Dave's"
- "Red Lobster Rising"